how to satisfy your needs in ways that are congruent with your values
It’s such a simple principle – in principle:
satisfy your needs in ways that are congruent with your values.
In practice, however, it is not so simple at all.
‘I can grasp why the fact that my values and the way I satisfy my needs reduce the causes of stress and add to my well being’, said one of my coachees. (To protect his identity I will call him Peter.) He went on: ’My problem is that I just don’t know how to harmonize one of my cherished values with my actions. ‘
It turned out that the value he cherished so much was one of humanity’s core values: honesty. And his dilemma was also one of the the most common ones: how to be honest without hurting the feelings of his friend.
How to strike a viable balance between tactfulness and honesty? We are confronted almost daily with this problem in out interactions with our friends, family, coworkers. The need to belong is one of our other basic needs while to be honest is another one.
Peter’s problem was how to tell his friend that he did not feel like playing chess with him every Thursday afternoon any more. His friend was disabled and could not leave his house and the weekly chess parties were a very important element of his social life.
We all tend to use a “white lie” in such cases and we often do, since we do not have the knowledge and/or the skills to do any better. Peter’s first thought was to say that he had to work on a new project and that he was too busy at other times with his family. But at the same time he felt that he respected his friend too much to tell him a lie.
I told Peter openly and honestly that there were no simple answers and no quick fixes but it would be a good start is to ask himself how he could express his respect for his friend and only then tackle the thorny issue.
After only two coaching sessions he had both the knowledge and the skills to navigate safely between the rock of honesty and the hard place of tactfulness and save both his self-respect and his friendship. We also worked out another way to satisfy his own and his friend’s needs for belonging and honesty.
He said that it was well worth to work on himself for something very valuable to him: friendship.
stressFREEDOM vs. career
Epicurus considered that it was a true opinion to believe that happiness was to be found in the simple life and retirement, a false opinion to think it lay in wealth, power, or glory – so it is normal for us Epicureans to be unambitious in money- and power-related issues.
Other cultures are less congruent: they preach e.g. that “The love of money is the root of all evil.” [1. Tim. 6, 10] and that “It is as easy for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle as it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God” [Matthew 19:23]. And yet they are surprised if somebody takes their moral rules seriously and tries to follow them.
I grew up in another hypocritical culture under the so called communist state religion. Money was less of an issue there than “power and glory”. They preached the equality of all but in practice they produced a new privileged class for the few.
At 16 I wanted to become a journalist and started working for a youth weekly. It soon turned out that the censors can turn an article or a report to the contrary of what I wanted to say. They also expected me to join the communist party and follow 2 or 4 year courses of ideological “studies”. So at 17 I gave up this career plan of mine.
At the University they proposed that I do postgraduate studies and join the faculty. This could have implied an obligatory communist party membership and being an informant of the secret police (giving them information about my friends, neighbors, colleagues, even family members) so I chose to go to a village and teach there. As long as you did not aspire to a leading position you could get along and stay honest at the same time.
We meet at class reunions and those who chose to collaborate with a régime they actually hated do not seem to be happy or satisfied. Many of them turned to alcohol, some of them committed suicide. Some are simply ostracized.
Some of us managed to flee to West Europe or America or Israel. The majority of these ex school mates fell victim to the rat race and now they are either burned out (if they were “financially successful”) or consider themselves losers and feel ashamed of it.
A minority of 5-10% refused to bargain their tranquility for money resp. status and power - no matter whether they went on living under the communist state religion or opted to follow the capitalist state religion. They are artists or craftspeople or small entrepreneurs.
I wonder if the decision is any easier today for those young people who are aware of the option to choose stressFREEDOM instead of career.
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