Satisfiers

You may not need a review of the preceding two sections (Needs and Desires), but I do:

• We have fundamental needs, including nutrition, oxygen, affection, sex, and sleep.
• We have the no-less important needs for shelter and safety, love and belonging, and respect.
• We have desires that by themselves are neither good nor bad. Rather, their “goodness” or “badness” is judged by the consequences of the method we choose to fulfill them.

Satisfaction of needs and desires is necessary for our quality of life, including our need to achieve our potential as healthy and self-reliant human beings.

We will define satisfier as:

Any agent capable of fulfilling a need or desire; the agent can be a material object, a situation, a service, a fantasy, an action or an event

We won’t distinguish between needs and desires in our exploration of satisfiers. Whether they are one or the other isn’t relevant for this discussion.

Remember the Epi-test in the Desires section, the “Are-You-Really-Sure-You-Want-to-Do-This” test with its three questions?

• What shall I gain by gratifying this desire?
• What shall I lose by suppressing it?
• Will indulging this desire cause pain and discomfort or anxiety for me or others?

None of us wants to apply Epicurus’s criteria to every decision we want to make. It would grow mighty tiresome to pull over to the side of the road so we can consider the effect of saturated fats on our arteries or the possibility of staining a nice shirt with a drip of Chunky Monkey if we occasionally want to satisfy a desire for ice cream on a hot day.

Likewise, even if you know you always wake up with a bad headache after drinking red wine, you may decide to throw caution to the wind and have a glass or two on a special occasion if your need for belonging overtakes your conscience. (I think I hear Epicurus saying, “Suit yourself, pal. At least you have aspirin. We never did.”)

To read my complete Epicurean Happiness Guidance “From Pain to Pleasure: The Proven Pathway to Happiness” go to http://stressfreedomguide.com/

“pride is an inward directed emotion that exemplifies either a high sense of one’s personal status or ego (i.e., leading to judgments of personality and character) or the specific mostly positive emotion that is a product of praise or independent self-reflection.” (Wikipedia)

Especially Epicureans should be ashamed of it and work hard at getting rid of it as soon as possible since its ugly head indicates an over-inflated ego or a dangerous vulnerability to praise. If independent self-reflection should lead to pride one ought to improve one’s self-reflective skills. Urgently.

I can’t help feeling proud of my friends, though.

It took me over forty years to understand that I don’t understand the correlation between my needs, my desires and the way I satisfy those desires, resulting in stressing myself, my  friends and family, my coworkers and supervisors, clients and suppliers. It took me another five years to read all the relevant books on Epicurean life techniques and happiness studies to work my way out of the jungle and another five years to hone my tools by using them to set people free of their self-defeating beliefs and  unhealthy habits and help them dismantle the walls they build between themselves and their pathway to happiness through congruence and stress-FREEDOM. It took me another year and the invaluable support of my wife to write a wise AND funny book for those who are interested in spending the rest of their lives walking toward their own happiness instead of working for their own or someone else’s greed.

My friends, however, must have been born wise and don’t seem to need the distilled fruits of hard-earned practical wisdom packed in nicely wrapped palatable pieces of advice. They must be champions in analyzing their desires, in satisfying their natural needs through synergistic satisfiers, in keeping their lifestyle and behavior patterns in line with their values and attitudes, serenely threading down their own proven pathways from pain to pleasure, producing their own happiness though congruence and stress-FREEDOM.

I must assume they do all this judging from the absence of their comments on the excerpts of my book that I have been publishing in sequels in my blog. The only topic they mildly reacted to was sequel 15: “How Is It Possible To Find Romantic Love? “

Complete strangers ask me when  will my book be available in print and on kindl, when will I start training and coaching sessions on the Galenian Epicurean Conduct of Life, or at least publicly speak about it. (Which I don’t’ know yet. I still have to take care of my health and the happiness of my family.)

But it’s a relief that my friends are doing well, confidently threading their own pathways toward happiness.( Or what they believe is happiness?)

It’s a shame to feel proud but who could help not being proud of them? (Maybe Epicurus?)

Take-Aways From Desires

• We need to debate with ourselves the pros and cons, short-term and long-term, when faced with a decision whether or not to fulfill a desire.
• Frequently, satisfying a desire has consequences for others and should be carefully considered.
• There is usually a difference between needs and desires. However, sometimes the distinction becomes a little blurry, which should not be a cause for concern.

To read my complete Epicurean Happiness Guidance “From Pain to Pleasure: The Proven Pathway to Happiness” go to http://stressfreedomguide.com/

What would you do?

Newlyweds Scrimp and Save must decide whether to design and build their own custom home or purchase an existing home that is not quite what they want. If they start from scratch and build their home, they would need to find a place to live while they wait for it to be finished. They treasure their new-found privacy and independence after graduating college, so they are seriously considering renting a small apartment for the possibly four-to six-month period. There are a few drawbacks to this idea, however.

• One, they would need to ask Save’s parents, who are retired, to keep their dog, which could be an inconvenience to them and prevent the young couple from being with their dog as much as they would like.
• Two, their rent payment could go instead towards the new furnishings they would like to have in their new home.

They do have an alternative: Scrimp’s parents have offered to house the newlyweds in their finished basement, rent-free. This arrangement would eliminate the dog problem and help them save a considerable amount of money, but there would be several drawbacks:

• A lack of privacy
• The need to endure several months of second-hand smoke
• A potentially awkward living situation, and
• The necessity of living out of boxes for the duration of their stay.

Or they can avoid all of these conflicting desires by purchasing an existing home to live in for a few years until other options present themselves.

Their options are to:

• Deny their desire for privacy and live with Save’s parents so they can tend to their dog and save money for a long-term goal;
• Live more comfortably in a small apartment while indulging the interests of most newlyweds and agreeing to postpone purchases needed for their new home.
• Buy a less-than-ideal house.

To read my complete Epicurean Happiness Guidance “From Pain to Pleasure: The Proven Pathway to Happiness” go to http://stressfreedomguide.com/

When Desires Seem Like Needs

It can be difficult to tell the difference between wants and needs, because sometimes the difference seems very small, even nonexistent. Everything gets mooshy. Let’s talk about a 13-year-old girl. Because her father, who grew up in a different culture, believes that girls should have long hair tied up on top of their heads, Heidi is not allowed to style her hair the way the other junior high school girls can. The mean girls taunt her because her hairdo is so old-fashioned and uncool. She’s becoming more withdrawn and less willing to participate in any social activities outside of school. She is willing to keep her hair no shorter than shoulder length — definitely no mohawks — if she can persuade her father to meet her halfway.

Does Heidi need to fit in with the other girls, or does she just desire to? Some of you will say it’s a need, while others will say it is a strong desire. The best answer is: It doesn’t make any difference. The situation brings Heidi much pain. The best thing she can do is negotiate with her father. If he won’t come around and she decides to cut her own hair in spite of it, then there could be consequences, but Heidi would likely compare those consequences with the discomfort of her current situation to reach a decision.

If I have great difficulty falling asleep without my iPod playing my relaxing music, do I need it or do I just want it very much? Again, it doesn’t matter. I won’t worry about it (unless my mate decides to sleep in another room — not a positive outcome, in my humble opinion).

To read my complete Epicurean Happiness Guidance “From Pain to Pleasure: The Proven Pathway to Happiness” go to http://stressfreedomguide.com/

When Desires Collide

This may be a good time for the “Are-You-Really-Sure-You-Want-to-Do-This” test (or maybe the more stringent Are-You-Really-Sure-You-Want-to-Do-This” test): Do the short-term benefits of a routine vacation outweigh any future consequences via the financing of your trip? Make a list of your goals (relaxation? snorkeling? a rich tan?) and a list of drawbacks (penalty for withdrawal from retirement fund? struggle to repay yourself? looming need for college tuition?) so you can do a cost/benefit comparison. But remember, you are the only judge. After your reasoned analysis, if you choose the annual tropical vacation, you will know that you did so by taking, and passing, the Epi-test.
A bumper sticker available online:

I’m looking forward to regretting this

There is a sub-corollary to Corollary #3: We must use caution if we hear ourselves use this particular phrase repeatedly in our analyses: I deserve it. We definitely are not the best judges of what we deserve. And that belief implies there are those who aren’t deserving. How on earth could we know that?

To read my complete Epicurean Happiness Guidance “From Pain to Pleasure: The Proven Pathway to Happiness” go to http://stressfreedomguide.com/

Be Careful What You Wish For

Back to the tricky business of desires for a minute. Here’s a quick overview of the facts:

• Whether or not we fulfill our desires is a matter of choice.  If we’re not very careful in our decision-making process, we can end up worse off than we were before.
• At times our own desires clash.
• Sometimes the line between our desires and needs becomes a little blurry.

Speaking of choice…

Let’s agree that pleasure is good. Epicurus has even put his stamp of approval on indulging our sexual appetites to the extent we choose, provided the adventure is legal and safe and doesn’t encroach on anyone else’s rights to a peaceful life. However, the path to achieving a state of being anxiety- and stress-FREE is sometimes slippery, sometimes bumpy, sometimes plagued with confusing intersections, and sometimes a dead-end. This eGuide is my attempt to offer you a roadmap for your journey towards an anxiety-free state of mind, what I call stress-FREEDOM.

Corollary #1: Not all desires should be fulfilled, because not all pleasure is worth choosing. If we decline to pursue a desire and as a result feel no anxiety or stress, Epicurus would declare that to be proof that the desire was unnecessary at the start. He would advise us to confront every desire with these questions:

• What shall I gain by gratifying this desire?
• What shall I lose by suppressing it?
• Will indulging this desire cause pain, discomfort, and anxiety to me or to others?

Corollary #2: Fulfillment of desires can have unpleasant future or long-term consequences. If we honestly answer Epicurus’s three questions, we will be able to deny ourselves the indulgence of many desires that don’t justify their stressful consequences. In the same way, we can endure anxiety and stress when we believe doing so will bring us a greater pleasure.

Corollary #3: We can occasionally be our own worst enemy.

While overeating, binge drinking, doing recreational drugs and being promiscuous may seem like a good idea at the time because of their ability to bring immediate pleasure, their feel-good results are short-lived, while their consequences can bring us, and perhaps others, great pain and stress, sometimes lasting a lifetime.

This is not, of course, the only way we can betray ourselves. How many times have you said to yourself, “I work hard and I deserve it”? Maybe you are frugal or a regular garden-variety tightwad and want to buy fresh flowers for your kitchen table. If you do, there’s probably no harm done.  Maybe you have an inheritance and want to tour Europe while you have the opportunity. That doesn’t seem unreasonable, either. Maybe you take a yearly trip to the Caribbean by giving yourself a “loan” from your retirement plan. Have you thought through whether that is in your long-term best interest?

To read my complete Epicurean Happiness Guidance “From Pain to Pleasure: The Proven Pathway to Happiness” go to http://stressfreedomguide.com/

Epicurus’s Classification of Desires

Epicurus differentiated among desires: To him, some were natural and others were vain (surgery for a more bountiful bosom? regular visits to a tanning booth?). Of the natural, he classified some as necessary and others as not necessary (whips and chains, excessive drug use, a bidet in every bathroom?). The necessary natural desires he further broke down into three groups: our desires for that which is necessary for survival (food and water, shelter, clothing and protection), our desires for that which allows for the unimpeded functioning of our bodies, or comfort (somatos aochlesia) and our desires for that through which we can obtain a state of happiness (eudemonia). Our desires in each of these three categories of necessary natural desires must be fulfilled if we are to achieve an anxiety- and stress-FREE state of mind (ataraxia) — which is exactly what Epicurus considered the ultimate goal: a completely pain-free state. For example, if we are hungry or sick, it doesn’t matter if we are well-clad and if we don’t have shoes it doesn’t matter if we are healthy. Our peace of mind will be disturbed and an ongoing state of stress-FREEDOM is impossible.

Epicurus might have a few words to say about this business (a la former U.S. president Richard Nixon who, at the height of the Watergate mess, said, “Let me say this about that.”). Now don’t misunderstand; Epicurus was all for pleasure, and indeed heartily indulged in some of his own. But if he were here today, he might say that our desires should be put through the “Are-You-Really-Sure-You-Want-to-Do-This” test before we order the schooner building kit or make reservations for a two-week safari in Tanzania. But more about that later.

According to Epicurus, pleasure is our first and closest good, and our own personal feeling is the rule by which we evaluate the good of everything. This section will illustrate how to banish stress and anxiety by helping us make the best choices that will bring authentic pleasure instead of just another layer of pain in the form of inner turmoil.

To read my complete Epicurean Happiness Guidance “From Pain to Pleasure: The Proven Pathway to Happiness” go to http://stressfreedomguide.com/

Epicurus might have a few words to say about this business (a la former U.S. president Richard Nixon who, at the height of the Watergate mess, said, “Let me say this about that.”). Now don’t misunderstand; Epicurus was all for pleasure, and indeed heartily indulged in some of his own. But if he were here today, he might say that our desires should be put through the “Are-You-Really-Sure-You-Want-to-Do-This” test before we order the schooner building kit or make reservations for a two-week safari in Tanzania. But more about that later.

According to Epicurus, pleasure is our first and closest good, and our own personal feeling is the rule by which we evaluate the good of everything. This section will illustrate how to banish stress and anxiety by helping us make the best choices that will bring authentic pleasure instead of just another layer of pain in the form of inner turmoil.

To read my complete Epicurean Happiness Guidance “From Pain to Pleasure: The Proven Pathway to Happiness” go to http://stressfreedomguide.com/

You might be wondering how you’re supposed to find your soul mate when, on one hand, Maslow and Max-Neef declare love and affection and sex to be important needs, while on the other hand, you’re not supposed to be needy and scare off anyone who’s not of a mind to serve as your rescuer. That’s a darn good question, with a fairly simple answer.

If we all had identical upbringings during which we successfully satisfied all of our needs, progressed in an orderly fashion up Maslow’s hierarchy, and dodged serious mental problems, we’d all enter the find-a-mate marketplace on equal footing where needs are concerned.

But that’s a huge, probably impossible, “if.” We’re not all sitting atop a solid brick foundation; most of us are missing a brick or two. For instance, those of us who grew up in poverty may not have had all of our safety needs satisfied. As a result of not having much money, maybe our parents could not afford good health insurance coverage, so trips to the doctor were few and far between, which resulted in our not having received the medical care we needed at a critical time. As a result, our teeth are crooked and stained, or we’re obese, or we have acne scars, or we need thick glasses.

Maybe we wore unfashionable hand-me-downs instead of the latest trendy clothes that everyone else — or so it seemed — got to wear. Maybe we couldn’t participate in sports because we had to work every day after school. These circumstances certainly don’t make us unlovable, but they very well could cause us to have very low self-confidence, low self-esteem and low expectations — in short, unmet needs.

This is where self-knowledge comes in handy. If we understand ourselves and our perceptions, shortcomings and idiosyncrasies, we can learn to accept ourselves as we are and push forward with a healthy relationship, rather than focusing on our sorry past and expecting someone to assume the job of parent and fill the chinks and gaps in our faulty foundations.

Our goal should be to be able to state with confidence and sincerity: “I need you because I love you.” Can you see how this is very different from “I love you because I need you”?

To read my complete Epicurean Happiness Guidance “From Pain to Pleasure: The  Proven Pathway to Happiness” go to http://stressfreedomguide.com/