Fear of death

“My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth – that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally – but I didn’t want to upset him.”  (Jack Handy)

A fear of death is a waste of energy. Death is as natural as blue eyes and blowing your nose, and it’s as inevitable as rain. When I was 8 years old, I was scared silly of going to the dentist. I couldn’t sleep at night, and I even contemplated running away. Sure, getting fillings in those days was no picnic, but my anticipation of it was far worse than actually experiencing it. But I digress. Back to death.

Are you afraid of dying because you’re worried about what will become of your children? Some of what happens to your children after your death is under your control, such as their living arrangements and legal guardianship; and some can be influenced by you in advance, for example by preparing them emotionally or helping to boost their self-confidence and independence. Besides, your staying alive is no guarantee that harm will never befall them.

Are you afraid of dying because it might be painful? There’s that fear of pain again. Sure, there’s a chance it might be, but the pain you’ve experienced from a migraine headache, a broken bone, a gunshot wound, or a hammer pounded on your head may have been worse. And if you suffer from a painful disease before you die, or you’re badly injured in a car accident, there are drugs to alleviate the pain and keep you comfortable. We don’t have to bite on bullets anymore.

What other elements of dying do you fear? If you can exert some control over them, make the decision to figure out how to take charge. If you can’t, worrying, or even thinking, about them won’t make a smidgeon of difference in how events finally play out.

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” (Steven Wright)

You may  download now the whole the first chapter (“Slavery”) of my e-book “From Pain to Pleasure: The Proven Pathway to Happiness”  FREE: http://stressfreedomguide.com/free/1/freechapter.html

For some people it is not so much  the moment of death that is daunting . Their  agony is born of the realization that “at some point all that we are is as if it never was and we are helpless to change that. More than that is knowing the same is true for those we love and worse yet for those died suddenly or tragically. “

Is it possible that the fact that we come from nothingness and then disappear into nothingness makes  them feel that this life is meaningless? Some of my clients used to gripe with this issue.

During the coaching session they  realize that we are the only persons that can give meaning to our lives by living it to the fullest. “Vivamus dum vivimus” is an old Epicurean advice. It means something like “let’s live our lives to the fullest as long as we are alive”.

If we taste the pleasure of contributing something to the  happiness of our children, spouses, friends or community we can feel that our life is not meaningless.

• • pain
  • a lack of control over environmental circumstances, such as food, housing, health, freedom
  • social issues such as social defeat, relationship conflict, deception, break-ups
  • major events such as birth, death, marriage, and divorce
  • life experiences such as poverty, unemployment, exams, deadlines

Why are these very common issues and experiences perceived by many as threats? If they are so common, why are we not appropriately prepared for them? Is our failure to cope with the most common issues not a result of the malfunction of those whose responsibility it is to prepare us for life? Have our parents, teachers, educators and counselors all failed us?

Epicurus, the founder of the Epicurean school of philosophy and happiness-boosting life conduct, suffered all his life from a bladder pain that finally killed him. This fact, however, did not interfere with his pursuit of happiness, even though they had no pain relief medicines in 271 BCE.

So what was Epicurus’s secret?  His “four-part cure,” in Greek “tetrapharmakos,” can give us a hint:

Don’t fear the gods,
Don’t worry about death;
What is good is easy to get, and
What is terrible is easy to endure

But his anti-stress medicine could not be swallowed at once with a glass of water. His followers had to chew and digest it over many years in their communal educative life-schools. The effort must have been worthwhile since the Epicurean circles of friends flourished over 800 years from 300 BCE till 500 CE.

So how was Epicurus’s stress-prevention program practiced?

The Epicureans did not give up their possessions as the Pythagoreans did, since that would have prevented them from generously sharing their resources with each other. They did not rebel against the state and its institutions, as the Cynics did, since they relied on the state to protect them in exchange for performing their duties as citizens. (Epicurus himself went to Athens for his two-year term of military service at the age of 18.) They did not plot against rulers or attempt revolutions, as the Platonists did, since they believed that the exercise of political power beyond the bounds of their own self-administrative communes endangered their peace of mind, necessary for a good life in freedom and happiness. For the same reason they did not participate in state affairs, as the Stoics did. They kept a low profile according to one of their principles: “lathe biosas,” in English,” live unobtrusively” or “unnoticed.”

This is what they did: The happiness-seekers lived together in communities where they could individually and collectively promote each others’ progress on their pathways from pain to pleasure. They studied intensively Epicurus’s therapeutical writings and memorized the most important precepts so they had them ready at hand the moment the specific philosophical-psychological pill was needed. They gave each other feedback on their progress and those who were more advanced helped the others in the way modern life-coaches and trainers do through lectures, discussions, conversations, and practical activities.

How  can an Epicurean lifestyle prevent each of life’s main “stressors”? Through the education and continuous practice of stress-busting, happiness-boosting attitudes towards all the issues related to pain, fear, frustration experienced today as social defeat, relationship conflict, deception, break-ups, births, deaths, divorce, poverty, unemployment, exams, and deadlines.

I will take up these issues individually and describe how Epicureans dealt with them over eight centuries and how we can deal with them today.

Facilitating workshops on negotiation techniques I have seen hundreds of time how nervous and stressed were those who did not prepare thoroughly.  As a student I was very calm if I was prepared for an exam – which in fact was seldom the case.

Life’s top ten “stressors”

• Death of spouse
• Divorce
• Marital separation; marital reconciliation
• Death of close family member
• Changing residences
• Personal injury or illness
• Marriage
• Loss of job
• Change in financial state
• Prison

need not stress us at all if we are adequately prepared .

Who can prepare us for these events? Our schools do not do this at all, our families very seldom.  Two philosophical schools, both about 2300 years old, were created just for furnishing the appropriate tools with which they prepared their adepts to face life’s top and bottom “stressors” and yet stay stress-free.

I mean the Stoics and the Epicureans. Their goals and followers were rather different but the tools and methods they used were rather similar – and most of them are just as valid today as they were 2300 years ago.