OUR FEARS UNDER THE MICROSCOPE / fear of pain
Here’s the fourth sequel of my Epicurean happiness guidance “From Pain to Pleasure: The Proven Pathway to Happiness” (PP4)
SLAVERY (4) >> LET’S PUT OUR FEARS UNDER THE MICROSCOPE
First, keep in mind that there is a great deal of overlap among the fears I’ll describe; each can be entangled with another. Second, it’s entirely normal to have a few fears. (If someone is completely overwhelmed with fears, however, he or she should consider living in a basket.)
Fear of pain
The pain may be emotional or physical; it is a state of being uncomfortable, or in agony, or somewhere in between. First, fear of physical pain: Physical pain is inevitable. We learn that the first time we fall out of a tree or get stung by a bee or endure that first headache, and we learn to accept it. And with all the pills and creams on the market today, the pain can have a short shelf-life. Chronic pain can be a bigger burden, and fortunately there is an ever-increasing arsenal of weapons to combat it.
There is also the physical discomfort that comes with feeling very cold or very hot or very hungry or thirsty. Thousands of years ago our ancestors feared it as well. We know that they took steps to alleviate their discomfort, and our measures are very similar to theirs. We have blankets, clothing, indoor plumbing, and a never-ending supply of food that we can store in our refrigerators and freezers. The problem is that quite often we placate our fear of pain to a point of excess, which results in more discomfort and stress. How? Through purchases of way-too-many winter coats, way-too-large homes, luxurious swimming pools, spas, whirlpools and hot tubs, gourmet foods and expensive liquor.
I’m not suggesting that acquiring possessions is wrong in any way. What is problematic is letting our outgo exceed our income. Isn’t it ironic that our worries can cause us to lay awake nights in silk pajamas on a huge splendid bed in a palatial ocean-front home because our credit cards are maxxed out? Happiness can never be attained in such a state of stress.
This brings us to the other kind of pain: mental and emotional pain. We may or may not play a role in our internal pain. There can be causes out of our immediate control (e.g., being married to a deployed soldier, the serious illness of a loved one, or hereditary mental conditions) and causes over which we can exert some degree of control (a miserable marriage, a crime-ridden neighborhood, a dead-end job, intolerable in-laws).
We’ve established that a credit card is a popular way to deal with the fear of physical discomfort (real or imagined). It probably won’t take you more than 30 seconds to answer this question: What are some of the common methods people use to combat mental and emotional pain? Some of these would undoubtedly be on your list:
•Exercise •Ecstasy
•Cigarettes •Counseling
•Beer •Dope
•Meditation •Vodka
•Pain-killers •Prayer
Sadly, a too-common outcome of some of these weapons against pain is criminal activity, civil disobedience and addiction, which greatly magnifies the original pain, especially if someone is killed by a driver who is returning home after drowning his pain in a nearby pub. Doesn’t sound to me like a clear path to stress-FREEDOM.
<end of sequel 4 – to be continued>
ECOL – Epicurean Conduct of Life™ stressFREEDOM coaches and therapists?
Since they found out about my cancer some of my friends and ex-coachees suggested that I finish and publish my ECOLOG - Epicurean Conduct of Life Orientation Guidebook™ . Others think it would be more helpful if I fully developed and made accessible a course for ECOL – Epicurean Conduct of Life™ stressFREEDOM coaches and or therapists.
My answer is:
I am firmly convinced that it could help lots of stressFREEDOM seekers, stressed adults and teenagers find their peace, supervisors and employees resolve their conflicts if they used the 2300 year old techniques I re-discovered, re-engineered and modernized.
I might even find the time to edit and review my notes.
But: I am not sure I will have time and energy left enough to
- coach and train the ECOL – Epicurean Conduct of Life™ stressFREEDOM coaches™ and stressFREEDOM therapists™
- coordinate the process of their certification
- set up the organizational structures needed to ensure the quality of instruction and supervision of practice of ECOL – Epicurean Conduct of Life™ stressFREEDOM coaches™ and stressFREEDOM therapists™
They countered that this would be feasible with support from committed laymen and experts.
I believe they are right but I am not sure that they will find a committed team for this project.
At least most probably not in my (seemingly more and more limited:) lifetime…
Also: I am not convinced that people know that stressFREEDOM is a constitutive element of a happy life. The prevalent education systems and media make them believe that in order to be happy they should strive for “success’ by being better than others and accumulate more possessions or buyable experiences than their neighbors. Nobody teaches them that the moment they decided to compete they have already lost…
Epicurean self-medication
As the stressFREEDOMguide it is my job to prescribe and administer the Epicurean ‘fourfold remedy’ (tetrapharmakos): ”God presents no fears, death no worries. And while good is readily attainable, bad is readily endurable.”
As a child I was always scared to death when the doctor was preparing to give me a shot because I anticipated the pain it would cause. I remember once the family physician saw my tears and asked me ironically whether the shot he was only preparing already hurt. I said: “No, it doesn’t hurt YET, but it’s surely going to…”
Stoics prepare for the adversities by imagining every morning all the possible and probable inconveniences they might encounter so in case something unpleasant really does happen they would be prepared.
The Epicureans do not deem it necessary to spoil half of the forenoon by just imagining all kinds of unpleasant experiences. They just tell themselves something like: “Yes, the sh*t does hit the fan every now and again but I will deal with it when it will actually happen and won’t spoil my day by imagining now how I would deal with it when and if it happened.”
I know now what Epicurus and his followers knew before me: that our “bad experiences” are never sooooooo bad as we imagine them in anticipation.
Therefore I stopped the habit of anticipating pains.
(But of course there is nothing wrong in anticipating future pleasures, like for instance a great sleep under sedation:)
mortality as chance
“We have been born once and cannot be born a second time; for all eternity we shall no longer exist. But you, although you are not in control of tomorrow, are postponing your happiness. Life is wasted by delaying, and each one of us dies without enjoying leisure.” Epicurus
Luckily we are reminded of our mortality by the news on the TV or by the diagnosis of a rare but aggressive carcinoma that life should not be wasted and the chances of enjoying leisure should not be delayed.
Are you still “wandering around in all directions”?
Are you still one of those who are “wandering around in all directions, roaming here and there, looking for a path in life, competing in their natural gifts, striving for honors, seeking with all their effort night and day to rise to the top, to win great power”?
Or have you started noticing “nature barking out her one demand, that pain be kept away, divorced from body, so that, free from care, free from fear, she may derive enjoyment in her mind from a sense of pleasure?”
Lucretius: On the Nature of of Things, Translated by Ian Johnston, 2010, Book II, lines 8-19 and 23-27
how to satisfy your needs in ways that are congruent with your values
It’s such a simple principle – in principle:
satisfy your needs in ways that are congruent with your values.
In practice, however, it is not so simple at all.
‘I can grasp why the fact that my values and the way I satisfy my needs reduce the causes of stress and add to my well being’, said one of my coachees. (To protect his identity I will call him Peter.) He went on: ’My problem is that I just don’t know how to harmonize one of my cherished values with my actions. ‘
It turned out that the value he cherished so much was one of humanity’s core values: honesty. And his dilemma was also one of the the most common ones: how to be honest without hurting the feelings of his friend.
How to strike a viable balance between tactfulness and honesty? We are confronted almost daily with this problem in out interactions with our friends, family, coworkers. The need to belong is one of our other basic needs while to be honest is another one.
Peter’s problem was how to tell his friend that he did not feel like playing chess with him every Thursday afternoon any more. His friend was disabled and could not leave his house and the weekly chess parties were a very important element of his social life.
We all tend to use a “white lie” in such cases and we often do, since we do not have the knowledge and/or the skills to do any better. Peter’s first thought was to say that he had to work on a new project and that he was too busy at other times with his family. But at the same time he felt that he respected his friend too much to tell him a lie.
I told Peter openly and honestly that there were no simple answers and no quick fixes but it would be a good start is to ask himself how he could express his respect for his friend and only then tackle the thorny issue.
After only two coaching sessions he had both the knowledge and the skills to navigate safely between the rock of honesty and the hard place of tactfulness and save both his self-respect and his friendship. We also worked out another way to satisfy his own and his friend’s needs for belonging and honesty.
He said that it was well worth to work on himself for something very valuable to him: friendship.
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