eleven fool-proof ways to let stress ruin your life

Advice from Marjorie

Anyone with a pulse who is over the age of 5 – give or take three or four years – is familiar with stress. Even if you seek refuge on a deserted island or lock yourself in the house there’s no escaping it. Opportunities to fall victim to it lurk around every corner and behind every tree.

Do you have any idea how many people die from stress every year? Neither does anyone else, because stress is never listed as the cause of death. That doesn’t mean stress isn’t dangerous; it simply means it’s nearly impossible to routinely link deaths from disease or accidental deaths to stress.

In 2004, researchers at University College, London and the Bright & Sussex Medical School discovered a new relationship between the heart and brain when they noted increased activity in the area of the brain associated with heart rhythm. They are convinced that intense stress levels in heart patients can trigger irregular cardiac rhythms that may result in sudden death.

A National Institutes of Health study of survivors of a 1981 earthquake in Athens revealed that the mortality rate from artherosclerotic heart disease in the first days following the disaster increased dramatically, but was unchanged for deaths from cancer and most other causes.

We can only guess at how frequently fatal accidents are caused by drunk drivers who considered beer a stress-reducer. How about deaths caused by a driver who dozed off because of stress-caused insomnia? The possibilities are endless.

Apparently warnings from health-care professionals are not enough to compel meaningful behavior changes, so let’s try something else. Here are 11 ways to play fast and loose with stress, so that you, too, can have a fair shot at being a victim:

  1. Never let on to anyone that you feel overburdened and depressed. You know how people talk – pretty soon it’d be all over town. God knows your health is rightfully a popular topic for discussion.
  2. After a hard day, take advantage of the buzz you get from a couple shots of single malt. It’s relaxing and cheaper than a prescription.
  3. Hang on to your theory that shrinks are for sissies. You’ll want to invoke it when your rebellious stepdaughter turns 16.
  4. Ignore your frequent indigestion and nagging back pain – they’ll eventually go away. One way or another.
  5. If someone makes you angry, go ahead and tell him off. Holding in negative feelings is bad for your mental health. Taking deep breaths or walking around the block is useless.
  6. If you have supervisory responsibilities, make sure employees know who’s in charge. You have to keep your thumb on these people all the time or they’ll screw up.
  7. Show everyone what a good sport you are by always agreeing to make cupcakes, chair a committee, knit socks, and make dinner for your in-laws every weekend. Never let “No, I can’t” pass through your lips, you selfish old dog.
  8. Learn to get by on six hours of sleep. You’re behind in your work, and no one ever accomplishes much when they’re sleeping.
  9. If you’re too tired to exercise, who could blame you for crashing on the couch to watch “Wheel of Fortune”? You’re not as young as you used to be, you know. Plus, exercise is for people who are in better shape.
  10. Promise your family that when and if things ever settle down, you’ll take a vacation. They just need to understand that leisure time doesn’t pay the bills nearly as well as overtime.
  11. Set a good example for your kids by following steps 1 through 9. They may as well learn now that life is no picnic and that they need to keep their noses to the grindstone. After all, you were hauling milk buckets when you were 7  before walking three miles to school in a blizzard.